Life Is As Such

It has been one month I was diagnosed with cervical slip disc. I was told earlier that I had that after MRI but I did not take it seriously when the doctor told me that I needed surgery. But after my visit for a second opinion, I had the shock of my life as I was told I have the possibility of going paralyze with my current condition if I have any accident or a fall. Yes, it is quite severe with 3 levels of degenerated disc, with one disc compressing the spinal cord.

Even it was just merely one month I felt it was like a year. I never expected it could be like that. In past one month, I visited a few of doctors, from orthopedic to chiropractic to physiotherapist to neurosurgeon. I was confused with their different opinions. Some says go for surgery, some say not. This was the toughest moment and I was unable to make any decision. I could not figure out the next step and the road ahead.

Running is out of my life now. This is so painful; it cuts like a knife to the heart. I never thought running Penang Bridge marathon 2011 will be my last full marathon. I thought I can have many more to come. I haven’t run any ultramarathon yet and I haven’t fulfilled my dreams in running… Then I switched to swimming. I thought I could swim. But doctor also advised no swimming. Then what could I do? Brisk walking, that’s it. Don’t do anything that can have more impact to the neck. I feel so hopeless, when I used to run 2-3 times a weeks and now I couldn’t do a single exercise.

I was in the denial stage of going for surgery. I couldn't accept this was happening on me and a major surgery is needed. Today, with the support of family and friends, and with the grace of God, I slowly accept that I have to go through the surgery (what type of surgery, I have not decided). Despite that, I am still scared of what I could become after the surgery. Will I be healed, or my condition become worse? It is just too hard to think that from that moment onwards, my neck will not be the same again. There will be either some metal spare parts or artificial bone stuck into my neck.

I was informed lifestyle will be totally changed too after surgery. I could no longer do impact any high activities after surgery. I need to take extra care of my neck and spine for my whole life. No more bungee jump, white water rafting or adrenalin rush activities. I haven’t done paragliding, parachuting or hiking to Everest based camp. I may not even have a chance to do all these. But life is as such. I just hope that one day I could put on my running shoes again and run freely. Or hit the pool again with breast stroke. Will this happen again? I don’t know for now, but I know if I opt for surgery, I will have the chance to do all that again. If I don’t, I will be living in fear of falling/accident which can cause me paralyze and therefore minimizing all kinds of activities; which means zero exercise. With that, what is the meaning of life if I need to live with fear and full of precautions?

Having said that, I have not made any decision on any surgery at this point of time. But I know I will have the decision very soon….